Resource #2: "The Difficult Conversation": Principles and Guidelines
Part Three - Teamwork in Recovery
Objective: Going back and addressing a communication breakdown that has damaged trust or people’s ability to collaborate.
Criteria: You attempted to correct a breakdown in communication and participants left feeling incomplete or dissatisfied. Or you heard about a situation that has left the team feeling unaligned where you were not present and ignoring the problem will impact you or the team’s ability to perform.
Explanation: Unfortunately, sometimes you won't be aware that a situation didn't work out the way you wanted it to until after it's over. As you reflect upon what you could have done differently, you discover what you would have liked to have said in hindsight and the moment has passed. The good news is that it's never too late! You may try telling yourself, "just let it go", and you still you find yourself rehashing it over and over again. You can still address it. By going back and addressing unfinished business in a skillful way, you will gain confidence and you will better handle future situations. This conversation is also appropriate when you hear about a "teamwork violation" impacting you that occurred when you were not present. Another benefit of readdressing one of these situations, is that you increase everyone's capacity to solve problems.
Guidelines:
1. Get a clear understanding of what actually happened. Do your best to separate facts from feelings and perceptions. If you make interpretations of what the situation "means", you are most likely only going to trigger defensiveness in the other person and start an argument.
For example, "I need to address the comment he made about my team's performance, 'they're performing like losers.'" Versus judging the originator of the comment as in, "He's a condescending jerk who never recognizes our hard work."
2. Acknowledge your emotions as a legitimate cue for learning what this situation can teach you. It is a myth that we should not "get emotional" at work. It's true we want to avoid expressing emotions irresponsibly in ways that escalate problems unnecessarily. Being aware that your emotions of anger, fear, or sadness help you find what is not working can motivate you to address the problem in a productive way.
For example, "That problem with our computer vendor is lasting way too long. I'm getting angrier by the day that no one here is stepping up. What's being asked of me? I think it's time I took a risk and asked for a meeting to get clear “who is in charge of this on our end”, without blame. I need to ask for accountability."
3. Internally set your positive intention. For example, "I need to be diplomatic but assertive enough to get a real answer to my question."
Begin with inquiry and give the person the benefit of the doubt or an opportunity to provide additional information. Not giving the benefit of the doubt will provoke defensiveness and create a greater obstacle in your work relationship. Adding this to your initial problem and you have increased your time and energy required to resolve both.
For example, "This computer problem is dragging on a long time. I was wondering if we've been too busy with other issues or that we've trusted the vendor to take care of it for us too much, when we really need to have someone on our end managing them on a daily basis. Has anyone on our team been assigned to actively manage this until it's fixed?"
4. If the person cannot see or accept responsibility, let them know directly and respectfully that you are experiencing a problem and are asking them to work it out with you.
For example, "I guess we're not seeing this the same way, but the situation I'm upset about has cost me 5 hours in the past two days. I'm not here to beat you over the head with it, but I'm sure asking you to take it seriously and help me work it out.”
5. If the conversation deteriorates and your relationship is jeopardy, postpone discussing your view of the problem and focus directly on your relationship. You can resolve problems more effectively on a strong relationship foundation, so strengthen the trust before going forward with the topic you were addressing.
For example, "I see this isn’t working and I ‘m afraid I offended you. Are you upset at what I'm talking about or the way I've begun this conversation? Or is there something I've done in the past to hurt our relationship? If so I want to hear about it and see if we can work it out."
6. You will solve your communication problems much easier once you have a strong foundation. This foundation consists of a genuine understanding of the critical issues in your problem and a sincere commitment to work together without blame. By avoiding "dissecting the past," you can focus on what you want and offer to do your part to improve teamwork.
For example, "As long as we manage this problem daily I have no interest in going back to assess who's at fault, and I'll check in with you to make sure I stay up to speed with what's happening."
Leading with listening, teamwork, and a higher intention builds trust, respect, and great communication.