Two Practices Leading to Genuine Collaboration
February 2006

You're involved in an important business relationship that begins to feel awful. You don't know how the other person can behave that way. You see exactly what they should or should not be doing. Why don't they "get it!?" Your attempt to help them creates a defensive reaction. Other times your help falls on deaf ears. You decide to avoid making matters worse and stop talking about your concerns.

Living with a growing number of "undiscussable issues" you begin to feel isolated. You wish it were different, but it's not. Deadlines keep you preoccupied and the weeks without real connection and collaboration turn into months. Then another breakdown brings to the surface all the unresolved issues in your business relationship. Every time this occurs you feel more of your enthusiasm for work slip away. Eventually you have a "broken business heart." Whenever you are ready for a new approach, you can take the first step in changing this situation for the better.

There are two simple principles that lead to genuine collaboration. Your final solutions depend upon many variables and we recommend starting with these two questions:

Am I looking at my part of this breakdown?
Am I willing to speak the truth with compassion and respect that honors the best in that person?

Your part is rarely what you notice first. However, you can develop a practice of awareness that is extremely effective and leads to complete self-responsibility. In the beginning, this awareness can feel brutally uncomfortable and can often seem unreasonable. Every single time you find yourself "out of partnership" with a business colleague, ask yourself, "What am I doing to keep this situation in place?" You may need the help of a neutral person with insight into your personality when you can't find it on your own. Once you find it, that's your first topic in the conversation you have with your colleague. You don't need to make excuses or beat yourself up, you just need to say, "I noticed I've been doing or not doing XYZ and it's contributing to this situation. I do not want to continue being in this situation and I suspect, you don't either."

The second part can feel even more uncomfortable because the other person has contributed to real problems for you to deal with. Your discomfort may appear as feeling genuinely angry, fearful or sad when you are preparing to speak your truth with your colleague. We recommend shifting your consciousness from your ego to your heart even though your tendency may be to listen to the voice of your ego first. Your ego may say, "You're right, they're wrong and furthermore you are justified in wanting to pummel them for their behavior!" Continuing to live from your belief of "I'm right" perpetuates the disconnect in your relationship.

We recommend a simple practice called remembrance to help you to stop listening to the ego and focus on the wise problem solving ability in your heart. Breaking through the voice of your ego opens up that elusive sense of respect and compassion for the other person. You are better able to put yourself in their shoes and understand how they are struggling with the relationship. You will gain a new understanding of why their actions have contributed to the difficult aspects of your relationship.

Then ask yourself, "If I were in their shoes, what would I want someone to say to me about the relationship?" You will discover that being met respectfully and compassionately helps tremendously in being able to hear another person's concerns.

With these two principles firmly established, you can really resolve the problems in the relationship. This opens the door to genuine collaboration. Once a foundation of trust is in place you can clarify expectations, renew agreements, improve processes or identify new goals and make plans to achieve them. Now you are learning from one another and growing together. Your heart feels rejuvenated with enthusiasm again. Congratulations, you have strengthened your leadership heart!

Self-responsibility, mutual respect, compassion and collaboration can feel like tough work and can take a lot of time. Without this foundation in place, your work is even tougher and requires a lot more time. People who aren't up to the task often dismiss it as the "soft stuff" or "woo-woo." We know it's some of the hardest and most important work you'll ever do to create ongoing business success. If you want a free consultation on how you can leverage your time and opportunities with improved communication, please contact us at 503.632.8572. After all, your role as a leader is to take the first step